


somewhere in limbo

by Anonymous



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-08-17 20:26:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20193571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: "Hey," Auston murmurs, voice croaky. "Come back to bed."It's so easy to imagine this is real. That he'll will pull him under the covers and kiss the tension from him, tell him he loves him, blah blah blah."Nah man, gotta head out." Mitch says, purposely upbeat. He's cool with this."Baby, it's 3am."He flinches at the nickname. He knows he's a stand-in for something real. He knows this isn't Auston love loving him. He knows that sometimes, when he's half awake or drunk or real tired, he pet names people.It's okay.





	somewhere in limbo

Mitch _knows_ he's just a rebound fuck from the start.

He _knows_ it's self destructive.

He doesn't actually care anymore, or rather he's used to how difficult things are, maybe.

He knows Auston needs a shoulder to cry on and - to be crude - a warm body. Naturally Auston came to him, and they'd gotten accidentally drunk, and one thing accidentally led to another and -

They haven't spoken about it, but that hardly matters. It's _fine_. Mitch wants more, yeah, but then again, he's always been needy. Only, this is on another level. Even for him, it's embarrassing.

Whatever.

The last thing Auston needs is _clinging_ and love confessions on a good day, let alone during his post breakup blues. It's _okay_. He's got all that ingrained like a mantra at this point. Whenever Auston looks at him and Mitch thinks _maybe, please -_

He's seeing things that aren't there, distorting them.

Maybe sometimes bottling things and compartmentalising them can be _good_, especially when it prevents him making things awkward, he thinks.

He'll deal.

-

He makes it as easy for Auston as he can.

Minimal snuggling before or after they fuck. No sweet talking, no pet names from his end, no kissing that isn't prefunctory, no hanging around to bask in the _afterglow_, even when Auston holds onto him real tight as he gets his bearings again. It's not a _thing_. But -

It's harder than it looks to pry him off when his hands are grasping him with such imagined surety, holding him close like he _means_ to. Like he can't bring himself to say _don't go, stay, be with me,_ so he does it physically.

Mitch had almost thought it was genuine until he'd remembered _this_? It was a rebound relationship. Auston _literally_ kissed him a day after breaking up with his ex. It hadn't even been frantic, and somehow that made it worse. Easier to imagine it was authentic. Auston slipping a hand up the back of his shirt, seeking skin, gentling. Pressing their mouths together, chaste and warm, then nit chaste at all. The little shuddery breath against his jaw when he needed to catch his breath.

Sometimes Auston wants it face to face, covering Mitch with his body like he's shielding him from harm. Mitch keeps his eyes closed for that, face tucked into Auston's shoulder, mouthing at it. He wonders if if Auston looks at him, or if he had his eyes shut too.

He wonders who he imagines.

Other times he'll grab Mitch's hand when he's close. Mitch always gives him a second, then gently wriggles free. He knows if he grabs back he'll not want to let go, all cloying. The first couple of times Auston kept repeatedly trying to thread their fingers together, insistent, and Mitch had just kinda sighed pointedly until he stopped.

The time Auston kisses him outside of sex on instinct and _apologises_ afterwards is about as damning as it gets. He wants to scream or cry or just - snap out of being this dramatic.

_Whatever_.

-

They usually hook up a couple of times a week, after practice and especially after a win.

"Hey, do you wanna grab dinner before we head home?" Auston says when they're getting changed back into their street clothes. He'd named some place surprisingly exclusive and Mitch had taken a moment to imagine the setting, the entrée to share, the candle on the table.

He'd wrinkled his nose because it seemed more polite than laughing incredulously.

"Isn't that the fancy place?"

Auston grinned at him.

"Yeah, the one I took -"

"Your ex to?"

Auston flinches, face going blank.

"No. I took my mama to it when she was last here."

Mitch feels guilt like a pit in his stomach.

"Sorry, I just thought, yknow. It's like. A date place kinda fancy. And I'm in sneakers."

"Yes, it is. But we can call home first, so."

He smiles, and it's a small, rare thing. It's one of the first proper smiles he's seen in the couple of months after the thing with Sadie blew up in his face.

(Mitch avoided her like the plague because seeing them together _hurt_ too much, but she'd seemed nice. Willowy, tan, long hair and then suddenly super edgy cropped hair, fashion student who knew nothing about hockey and everything about putting together bomb outfits. Auston was often her disgustingly handsome guinea pig.)

Mitch dithers.

"Have you booked a place?"

"Yeah, at seven."

Mitch purposely plays for time. If he says no he'll look like a category 5 asshole.

If he says _yes_ then - well. It'll be torture.

But Auston looks too hopeful for him to refuse.

_Fuck_.

-

They go after all, and it's just as bad as he'd imagined. Auston seems excited and affectionate. Mitch prods his food around his plate til it looks like he's eaten. A couple of times he slinks to the bathroom and curls his fingers around the marble of the sinks and squeeze his eyes shut tight until they stop stinging.

-

One night, Auston wakes up as Mitch is pulling his clothes on after they fucked and he fell asleep in the time it took Mitch to shower.

"Hey," he murmurs, voice croaky. "Come back to bed."

It's so easy to imagine this is real. That Auston will pull him under the covers and kiss the tension from him, tell him he _loves_ him, blah blah blah.

"Nah man, gotta head out." He says, purposely upbeat. He's cool with this.

"Baby, it's 3am."

Mitch startles at the nickname. He knows he's a stand-in for something real. He knows this isn't Auston _love_ loving him. He knows that sometimes, when he's half awake or drunk or real tired, he pet names people.

It's _okay_.

The novelty will wear off soon, and in the future it'll be the kind of thing they'll look back on as an in joke between them. Auston will be all _ha ha remember we had that fling,_ and Mitch - he'll laugh along. When Auston settles down with someone, Mitch will just be a curious little memory, a mistake. Not necessarily a _bad_ one, but _ha ha, imagine! Imagine us, hilarious._

And Mitch -

He doesn't think this is something he'll get over.

He knows down to his bones this'll be something that'll _linger_, that will be a phantom ache for good. _Remember that time when I almost, almost told you. Right up until you made a move but it was clear it wasn't a serious one._ When it was so _obvious_ you didn't even have to tell me that I was to pass the time. I wasn't wanted like I want you. You didn't need me. You _don't_ need me for real. Not outside the rink.

"Baby?" Mitch wrinkles his nose.

Auston looks embarrassed, at least.

"Sorry. Just - you should stay. You can stay if you want to."

Mitch thinks of the awkwardness in the morning, because they don't discuss any of this in the light of day. He doesn't think Auston would regret it, but it's sure on the list of things they won't talk about. An unspoken agreement of pretending.

"Dunno why you think I'd do that, _baby_." He mimics. He's so tired he can't tell if it comes out snide or not. Either way, Auston looks so taken aback that he drops wherever that topic was going.

"Turn the light off on your way out?" He murmurs softly, draws the quilt around himself, tight and tucked in.

-

Mitch drives home after he's done a few aimless loops of the neighbourhood. One day he won't be needed. He's not sure how to make his peace with that information.

His phone beeps.

"_Sleep better with you here :("_ Auston's snap reads, only half his face even visible where he's burrowed into the quilt.

_Bullshit_, Mitch thinks. He's never mentioned that before. He's probably just too awake from Mitch disturbing him on his way out.

"_Sorry x"_ He sends when he's pulled up on his driveway. He sighs, the heavy weight that's become commonplace in his chest suddenly becomes a tougher lode to bear.

This has to stop.


End file.
